HSIPC: Head Start Bulletin #65 - Family Involvement

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March 1999

Issue No. 65

The Forgotten Parent

By James May

     I am writing as a husband and the father of a grown daughter; an educator; a mental health counselor; the coordinator of the only federal program to fully focus on fathers of children with special health care needs; and a health care consumer. I want to talk to you about fathers. In my capacity as the project director for the National Fathers Network, the men I have met have forever changed my life.

     Kyle Pruett, in his landmark book The Nurturing Father, declares that fathering is "the singly most creative, complicated, fulfilling, frustrating, engrossing, enriching, depleting endeavor of a man's adult life." It is an undertaking now considered vital-indeed essential-to family health and well being. Yet even Webster's dictionary defines nurturing as "feminine, ladylike, female, gentle, tender, womanly." It's as if men are not even capable of such caring, empathetic responses. Much of this is residue from the old belief that as men we're only to do the three P's: provide, protect, and procreate (and barbecue on the side).

     The process of redefining oneself takes on new meaning when one's child is chronically ill or disabled. Men quickly learn they can neither protect their families from the problems nor control the outcomes; there is no quick fix.

     The extensive stresses in a family with a child with special needs-emotional, financial, vocational, and educational-can leave a father depressed, helpless, powerless...and very, very angry. The dreams a man brings to his life-lineage, ego fulfillment, athletic, and vocational achievement-are threatened.

     Most fathers also experience feelings of failure and guilt. They experience isolation, since there are typically fewer social supports in place for men than women. Their disabled child's physical appearance and lack of developmental appropriateness may embarrass many men. Bonding and communicating with one's child may be a painful task.

     Feelings of isolation are magnified by a care delivery system that too often excludes, disregards, and disenfranchises men. "It's as if I don't exist when the doctors talk about our child," declared the father of a nine-year-old with cystic fibrosis. Because health services are offered during the day when many men are working, mothers-even though they may also work during the day-generally become the resident "experts."

     Families and professionals now have the chance to build new bridges, to dramatically construct a vision that gives fathers of children with special needs recognition, understanding, and most importantly, substantive programs that speak to dads' unique concerns.

     The positive results of father involvement are endless. Research tells us family communication is enhanced. There is reduced depression and fatigue, improved sharing of parental responsibilities, and increased acceptance of the child. New avenues are opened for fathers to discover the important role they play in the lives of their children. Literally thousands of men have commented to me that they are less competitive, more patient, more receptive to and understanding of people's differences, and more willing to live in the moment than in the future. Such are the lessons of being the dad of a child with special needs.

James May is president of the National Fathers Network (NFN). For more information contact NFN's website at http://www.fathersnetwork.org or e-mail him at jmay@fathersnetwork.org


Contents - Bulletin No. 65	On to The Dad Show

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