Negotiating with Toddlers

We have all heard the term, "terrible twos." What is it that makes this such an infamous time in child development? This stage can be challenging for caregivers and toddlers alike, as each toddler tries to find a balance between autonomy and dependence.

Differing opinions about how to handle toddler behaviors are common in group care settings, and as caregivers we need to have regular talks together to share ideas. Essentially, we try to provide an environment that appreciates toddler individuality while providing support as toddlers work through conflict situations. Negotiating is a method of communicating we use with toddlers and model with each other, which teaches toddlers how to get their needs met while being respectful of the needs of others.

Fostering a healthy sense of self-esteem and nurturing a beginning awareness of and respect for others are two of the most critical components of quality child care. Every interaction, every connection, is perceived by each child differently. It is important, then, to consider individual children and where they are coming from, as well as their developmental stages. Often, this is best learned through observation and processing with other adults. Respect, responsiveness, and reciprocity are the three R's commonly used to describe an ideal relationship between caregiver and child, one that fosters self-esteem and builds relationships.

Younger children are often egocentric. Though we have all seen children show concern when they hear a friend crying, their general perception of the world is that it revolves around them. Sharing and being sympathetic are skills that may take years to learn and should be encouraged, not forced.

But children are also mirrors. They reflect back what they see and hear. Adults know this and are aware that they are role models. Starting with a healthy, open, respectful relationship, negotiating with toddlers becomes an important opportunity for learning, and guidance becomes a preventive measure rather than an aftermath.

Following is a list of 10 strategies to consider when negotiating with toddlers:

1. Be aware of each child and his or her means and methods of communication. Is Suzette pulling on Thomas' hair because she is frustrated with him, enjoying the power to make him yell, or learning that hair is attached? Does she have words to use? Is this the first time she has done this or the twelfth? This type of information provides parents and caregivers with a better perspective toward helping Suzette.

2. Know yourself and your own emotions. Adults have the same needs and feelings as children do. Model healthy acceptance of the child's emotional development by acknowledging that we have similar feelings. It is important to remember that a calm voice and reassuring manner can be effective tools in negotiating with an upset or excited child.

3. Be authentic – that is honest, real, and nonjudgmental – in adult-child interactions. Then children learn to trust and predict. When we are respectful, children perceive that they are worthy of respect, as are others.

4. Validate feelings. It is OK for children to cry or be afraid or feel frustrated. It may be beneficial to give labels to the emotions (for example, "Are you feeling sad? Do you want to come and sit with me?" or "It looks like you really want to use the toy that Darnell is using"). Often people just want their frustrations to be acknowledged, their feelings accepted. By encouraging children to express themselves verbally, we are also facilitating language development.

5. Address the behavior, not the child, when a behavior occurs that is not appropriate. For example, if a child is acting aggressively toward another child, try statements such as, "Hitting hurts people. If you are angry with Christiana, please talk to her." (This is preferable to "You're being a bad girl. You know not to hit!") Redirection is often helpful too (for instance, "It is not safe to run in the classroom. Would you like to go outside and run?").

6. Offer real choices whenever possible. Allowing children to make a choice shows them respect and empowers them. "Do you want your diaper changed?" is not a real choice. Instead, try "It's time to change your diaper. Would you like to choose your new diaper or should I?"

7. Give notice on upcoming transitions. By giving a five-minute warning before cleanup time, you allow children to finish their play or make arrangements to do so later. There is security and comfort in knowing what will be happening next.

8. Explain rules clearly and concisely (several sentences are usually sufficient). Again, young children find security in predictability; therefore, it is important to have clear guidelines and as few rules as possible. Be prompt and consistent, and follow through with consequences. When this is not possible, use individualized consequences specific to the child and the situation.

9. Allow time for problem solving. This is a tricky area. It is difficult to watch children struggle. Our first impulse is to "make it better" and find the easiest solution. However, being supportive and allowing time for the child to work things out to his or her satisfaction have many benefits. Watch for the smile on a child's face when he or she figures out how to put together a puzzle or solves a social problem on his or her own! Learning and self-confidence grow from moderately stressful situations – situations that challenge a child but that she or he can handle. By observing individual behavior, we learn when to intercede to prevent frustration or feelings of helplessness.

10. Acknowledge efforts and successes. Positive reinforcement can be very important to a child. When you hear a child who often bites say instead, "I don't like that," a comment such as "Twyla! I heard you use your words" can be very validating.

As challenging as this stage of development can be for toddlers and their caregivers, it is also a time of delightful exploration and fascinated wonder. Language is blossoming and friendships are blooming. Communication styles and negotiation skills are an integral part of who we are. By facilitating and supporting this process with toddlers, we are contributing to their social and emotional development and well-being.

Patricia Nixon is the lead teacher of the infant/toddler classroom at the Children's Center at the University of California in Santa Barbara, California, E: trischi@silcom.com.